No Wonder My Parents Drank: Tales from a Stand-Up Dad
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YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAIN
From Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS’s hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent.
No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr’s humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog’s rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game.
Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him—like why it’s fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate.
Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.
nods off like a narcoleptic. Many SUVs, minivans, and cars are blessed with a DVD player in them. The problem is that the monitor is behind the driver. There is nothing like a six-hour drive up the coast with a constant barrage of “Look! Daddy, look!” Or more dangerous is the almighty “What’s that?” I may be oversimplifying. It is usually more along the lines of “What’s that? What’s that? Daddy? What’s that? What’s that? Look! What’s that? What’s that? What’s that?” I may be oversimplifying
Hallmark card. They run in slow motion with her in the lead and right as they reach the finish line she slows down and lets him waddle past. I also picture them playing tennis and her acting like she can’t return his blistering serve of three miles per hour. I imagine the two of them playing basketball and her not blocking his shots. She probably just lets the kid run the lane without her ever putting a body on him or giving a good hard foul as he goes up with the ball. Basically, I envision
baking a cake. Fortunately, Jackson is a very good boy, which is a godsend, because I am an absolutely terrible disciplinarian. My punishments are always poorly timed and my intentions misunderstood. The only person who ever seems to learn a lesson is me. A few years ago, Jackson and I were visiting Nik at work on the set of her television show Las Vegas. She gave Jackie a Big Bird PEZ dispenser, which he flipped over. He was rarely allowed to eat candy and now not only was he given a free pass
life. Virginia Woolf once wrote, “Children never forget injustice. They forgive heaps of things grown-up people mind; but that sin is the unpardonable sin.” I agree with that. When I spanked Jackie that one time, he no doubt found it to be a grand injustice. Hopefully, he will never forget it. When he has days where he is going bananas and nothing I say calms him down or gets him to behave, all I have to do is ask him, “Do you need to be spanked?” This question stops my son dead in his tracks
stood up, and then butt-ass naked, drilled Mickey in the face with a lightning-fast right cross and knocked him out cold. Mickey had never lost a fight in his life and now here he lay unconscious on the cold tile floor of the locker room with an uncircumcised cock flapping above him. As the ambulance came and carried him—naked and unconscious—out into the snowy night, we all decided to go with the name Brian from that day forward. Why put your kid through torture in his teens when he has enough